Well, it's definitely been a long time and here we are once again in September, what used to be one of my favorite months. You'll notice I had to add a song to my playlist which, by the way, you can pause or turn down your volume if you're not in the mood for music. For some reason, I just can't seem to get that song out of my head this time of year when there's a new chill in the air and the leaves begin to turn. So far, it's not nearly as bad as last year. Many things, including friends, can now be categorized into before, during and after, and I have been so 'lucky' as to have inherited a dear friend, Shawna, who also lost her full term baby boy, Tyson, shortly after his birth. She knew my husband from high school and after reading Emma's obituary, she so bravely decided to call me one day and the rest has been the making of a great friendship. Along with blogging, Shawna has played a HUGE part in my healing. I guess I lied a little when I said I'd try to 'keep it real' because if this blog was to reflect absolutely every emotion I've had, it definitely wouldn't be rated PG. There have been many phone calls or emails between Shawna and I where we felt we could truly be honest and just let it all out because the other person knows exactly what we're feeling. It also really helps that we share the same sarcastic sense of humor, which believe it or not, you actually have times where you can find smiles again here in "Dead Baby Land". Anyway, we both have since had other children so between them keeping us busy and the natural healing that occurs over time, thankfully, our emails entitled, "Warning: Big Spew Ahead", have been fewer and farther between. However, with our second anniversaries upon us (woo hoo), we have both been emailing a little more lately and I just wanted to say "thanks" to Shawna and all the other mommies who have lost babies for their continued support. I really don't know how people survived losses like these back in the days before emailing, blogging, phone calls and especially when it was not okay to talk about death like it is today.
I know every September there will be a little twinge of pain that comes along with witnessing the beauty of Fall, but it is slowly becoming a bittersweet feeling. I know this is only year number two of the rest of our lives and who knows, hopefully, I might even be around someday wondering what my baby girl would have been like on her 52nd birthday!
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6 comments:
I categorize a lot of things into before and after, too.
I've never heard of that song before. I'll listen to it later when DH is in bed. The title describes exactly how I feel though.
I will be thinking of you these next few weeks. I hope that this year continues to be a little easier for you.
I'm so glad God sent a friend to help you through the roughest times. September will always be "THE" month and the blue funk may return at any moment but hopefully never like in the beginning. Your precious daughter will always be close by... even when her 52nd birthday arrives. The "bittersweet" gets less bitter with time but it will never go away. You're a very special mom and I'm so glad I met you through bloggerland. You've come a long way BABY! I will keep you in my prayers.
Praying for you Julie. God is good and He will give you the strength you need!
Hi, Julie,
I get this way in October when the leaves begin to fall. My mom and I both had autumnal melancholy, and last year at this time we were writing that Duncan Phyfe story "together." Glad to see you're doing okay otherwise.
Julie,
It is moments like this that I do wish I had saved all of our crazy late night rants. I think we might laugh at them someday, maybe in 52 years! Whatever, I laughed at most of them at the time--I read your blog and I have been trying to respond for days now. I keep crying and getting goose bumps whenever I start and can't seem to say what I'm thinking. You said it so well. Have you ever received the "Friends for a Reason, Season or Lifetime" email? It is a good one that thanks people for being a friend for whatever length of time and for whatever reason. I was trying to think what catagory some of the people in my life would fit into and I have to agree with you, it is more of "before and after". I can't imagine what I would be like if you, Lara and Jen were not in this with me. I think I would be heavily medicated (some think I should be anyway!) And I am glad that you also appreciate the passage of time and additions to our families as the reason for less contact, it is a natural pathway. I think of you, Josh and the kids so often and find comfort in knowing that you are there going through the same (in our own way, of course!) craziness that we are. I am thinking of you this month and will every September from 2006 on. I know that it is different this year, not so intense- but still emotional. Time to take those traumatic, beautiful, awful, painful memories out of the box and flop into them, cry a bit, reflect a bit and then realize how far you have come and what Emma has taught you and how her life has shaped the direction of yours. Hmmmm...ya it still sucks, but we are doing a great job of mothering our kiddos and living our "new normal" lives. I love you! Thanks for the friendship
Shawna
Thank you so much for remembering S on her 8th birthday. I posted an answer to your question about the angel pins in the comments on my blog.
Sending (((Hugs)))
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