100 Years

Gees - I almost forgot my way around this blog (it took awhile to remember how to even start a new post!). Having gotten sucked into Facebook and all the other ways to communicate online these days, my blog has really gotten dusty!

Had to share some more exciting news! We have been sooooooooooo blessed in receiving an opportunity to attend an intimate accoustic concert here in town by one of my favorite music groups/artists, Five For Fighting (aka: John Ondrasik)!!!!!!!!!!!! His song, "100 Years", may or may not be playing on my blog as you read this (I added it a long time ago, but lately sometimes it disappears) because it holds a special place in my memory of our time with Emma. We used this song, along with, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on our dvd slideshow that we played at Emma's memorial service. Here is the story as to how we chose that song...

I had attended a health seminar through work where the subject matter was "Dealing with Diversity in Health Care" or something like that. Anyway, one of the speakers was a mother and father who, while pregnant with a baby girl, learned that she had a serious, terminal condition and was not expected to live very long. I am not doing this family justice because I can not remember any names or even the condition this little girl had, but their message still rings loud and clear in my mind. The reason they were chosen to speak, given the subject matter, was that even though their daughter's days were numbered before she arrived, it meant so much to them to have health care providers treat her as they would any other patient - as if her life still mattered (which, we all know, of course it did!). Their daughter beat the odds and ended up living eight precious years. When they knew her time was drawing near, her siblings, as part of their healing, wanted to throw her one last birthday party and they decided to have it be her 100th birthday! That is why they played this song during their presentation. Of course, there was not a dry eye in the room and, as morbid as this sounds, I remember my co-worker and I commenting on how moving that song was and how we wanted it to play at our funerals someday. Little did I know what my future held...

So, fast forward to our story and you can probably guess that I didn't even have to think twice about what song we should play. Of all the preparations to be made, all that mattered to me (in my complete state of shock) about the whole process was the music. She was only here two short days and that song just reminds us all of how precious our time here really is. It was and continues to be a huge part in my healing. It always seems to play on the radio at all the right times and was even constantly blasted over the tv in a credit card commerical shortly there after (coincidentally, that was the same time they used the "Over the Rainbow" song for the black and white Rice Krispies ad - sniff!).

Anyway, I dont know what tonight has in store and I am certain that if given the chance to meet, John, the lead singer, I'd probably trip over my words and never be able to truly express to him what a gift he has given to us through his music, but hopefully I've been able to at least express that here.

***Addendum: Added 08/05/09 post show: obviously by the pictures, the show far exceeded my expectations (except that it was way too short!), but I was blessed to sit far too close, in fact, so close that John noticed I was crying (sorry for the distraction!). How could I help it when one of the 5 songs he played was "100 Years"! The worst part is that my tears were for different reasons than I'm sure what musicians/celebrities these days are used to. Anyway, I did get a chance to explain that to him, as he even commented on my tears (how embarrassing!). Bottom line, I wasn't deserving of such a great show, but I will forever treasure that experience! My only complaint is that Josh just missed capturing 'the hug' on film (the last picture was just seconds after the fact - bummer!)

This is sooooooooooo cool!!!

Wow - the time in between my posts seem to be getting longer and longer, but that's okay. Overall, I'm in a good place and don't need to blog through my grief as often as I used to. I've decided that now I want to maintain this site for the sole purpose of sharing it with my kids someday (if they so desire).

Anyway, I have to let out a great big "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh".......... because I feel like I can finally release a huge sigh of relief as Josh and I just returned from a long overdue, much needed, adults only vacation to Mexico. I know times are tough, but I highly recommend that everyone take some "me time" like that, at least once a year! It was a good way to unwind after the hectic pace that the holidays and having both kids' birthdays in January brings to this household.

On to much more exciting news! I have to share this fantastic story of how Emma's life has inspired two amazing, caring people to take action in their own community. This was written to my mother-in-law by one of her childhood school mates:

"I thought the photo of Emma Kate was so beautiful and later when you sent me the link to Julie's web page, she mentioned how much they appreciated the pictures and what they meant to them. I looked at the website for NILMDTS and there was no photographer in this area - the closest was Cheyenne, which is 90 minutes away. Because of Julie's comments, I resolved to find someone here to "pay it forward". It's taken a long time, but I finally met someone I thought would be perfect. He is a grandfather, so wonderfully kind, gentle, compassionate, and generous. He had a full time job and has done photography on the side for years. A year or so ago he changed jobs, to one less demanding, and started working more on the photography. About six months ago I visited with him about NILMDTS and he said to send him the info. I emailed the website to him, asking only that he thoughtfully & prayerfully consider whether it was something he wanted to do. He decided to go forward with it after looking at the website and reading some of the parents comments.

Yesterday he emailed me to say he has completed the training and is in the process of contacting the hospitals in Wheatland, Torrington and Douglas, Wyoming. I asked if he needed a donation or any thing else I could do to help. Today he said he would like to have some knitted caps to be used in photos, that he can give to the parents ... did I know anyone who knits. Guess what?? I knit!!! I'm so happy & I already dug out the needles and yarn and will start making them right away. I hope they will never be used and I hope he is never called, but I'm thrilled to do it just in case.

I wanted you to know, because of your loss and Julie's remarks about the photos, there is now someone in this area who can be called if needed. I would not have known about the organization otherwise and because I care so deeply about what's happened to you, I resolved to find a way to make that happen. Thank you for sharing Emma's picture and the information about NILMDTS with me."

To Gloria and this fantastic photographer, Jerry:
Words can not express my gratitude. God bless you both!

Names In The Sand

These names were written in the sand in Australia by a couple who lost their son, Christian. I requested "Polka Dot" and borrowed the "Emma" picture from another family who is also missing their sweet Emma. Pretty beautiful. Check it out: http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Another Year Gone

Finally, here are some pictures that we took on year number two. As you can see, things have changed a little bit from last year with little sister Carli now in the picture. We still feel that it's important for both kids to be involved in remembering Emma.

We ended the weekend on a lighter note, going to the mountains and letting Jackson pick one activity that he really wanted to do. You don't see them here, but how lucky for me that we got sent out on our bumper boat ride with three 12 year old boys!!! It caused quite the scene when all three of them attacked me with their water guns the entire time we were out there.

Year Number Two Without You

Dear Sweet Emma,

We think of you often and miss you more and more each day! Happy Second Birthday, sweet baby girl. We love you soooooooo much!

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Jackson and Carli

(*Having some computer problems, but hope to update with pictures soon. Thanks for remembering Emma and stopping by*)

When September Ends

Well, it's definitely been a long time and here we are once again in September, what used to be one of my favorite months. You'll notice I had to add a song to my playlist which, by the way, you can pause or turn down your volume if you're not in the mood for music. For some reason, I just can't seem to get that song out of my head this time of year when there's a new chill in the air and the leaves begin to turn. So far, it's not nearly as bad as last year. Many things, including friends, can now be categorized into before, during and after, and I have been so 'lucky' as to have inherited a dear friend, Shawna, who also lost her full term baby boy, Tyson, shortly after his birth. She knew my husband from high school and after reading Emma's obituary, she so bravely decided to call me one day and the rest has been the making of a great friendship. Along with blogging, Shawna has played a HUGE part in my healing. I guess I lied a little when I said I'd try to 'keep it real' because if this blog was to reflect absolutely every emotion I've had, it definitely wouldn't be rated PG. There have been many phone calls or emails between Shawna and I where we felt we could truly be honest and just let it all out because the other person knows exactly what we're feeling. It also really helps that we share the same sarcastic sense of humor, which believe it or not, you actually have times where you can find smiles again here in "Dead Baby Land". Anyway, we both have since had other children so between them keeping us busy and the natural healing that occurs over time, thankfully, our emails entitled, "Warning: Big Spew Ahead", have been fewer and farther between. However, with our second anniversaries upon us (woo hoo), we have both been emailing a little more lately and I just wanted to say "thanks" to Shawna and all the other mommies who have lost babies for their continued support. I really don't know how people survived losses like these back in the days before emailing, blogging, phone calls and especially when it was not okay to talk about death like it is today.

I know every September there will be a little twinge of pain that comes along with witnessing the beauty of Fall, but it is slowly becoming a bittersweet feeling. I know this is only year number two of the rest of our lives and who knows, hopefully, I might even be around someday wondering what my baby girl would have been like on her 52nd birthday!

A Time For Change

The pictures above are of the first thing you used to see when walking through our front door. Our little shrine if you will. I took these pictures right before we got new carpet installed, knowing I probably wouldn't be putting this display back together in the same way. There was a brief time where I felt that a perfect stranger coming into our home wouldn't know, at first glance, that the baby on the wall was someone else and that was starting to bother me. In all fairness to my living children, I've purchased new frames to display their pictures along with a smaller version of Emma's (I will always keep a picture of her out as I'm not going to completely pretend she didn't exist). We've known other people who have had children die and I totally get it now. Everyone grieves differently, but I am apparently falling on the 'out of sight, out of mind' side of the spectrum. The memories are just too painful sometimes and it's easier to pack those painful reminders away in a special box and pretend it never happened. We've only been to the cemetery ONCE since her first birthday and even then, I stayed in the car with the baby. Am I a total jerk or what!?!