"When Hello Means Goodbye"

The ultimate purpose of this blog is to finally have a way to share Emma's story and explain exactly what happened from our perspective. From the very beginning it has been important for me to feel that people truly understand just how very rare, random and out of our control this whole experience really was.
There's no better way to begin this story except to start with what would end up being one of those unpredictable, treasured moments that only a child could create. Not wanting to be one of those moms arriving at the hospital thinking I was in labor only to be sent home, I scheduled a "labor check" with the midwives at my Ob/Gyn's office. Once there, I was given the green light to go the hopsital. As we were leaving the upstairs offices, my 3 1/2 year old son asked if we were going to the hospital next. When I said yes, he rather loudly exclaimed, (while jumping and clicking his heels together) "Woo hoo! My baby sister is coming today!". All the women in the lobby and working at the front desk down below, looked up at us and let out a collective "Awwwww!". Of course, my eyes instantly welled up with tears from pride.
Once at the hospital, things proceeded rather quickly. I'll spare you the details, but wow! It felt as if this baby girl was shot out of a cannon! It wasnt until the moment she came out into the delivery doctor's arms that anyone knew there was a problem. She was motionless, silent and unresponsive. After they worked on her a few moments, they were able to get that strong little heart going again, but her brain and lungs werent making the connection for her to breathe on her own. She was immediately rushed to the N.I.C.U. where she was put on life support and the doctors continued to assess the situation. After some time, the medical team returned to my husband and I and tried to explain the best they could what was going on. They said it was obvious she had experienced some severe brain trauma and not knowing exactly when it happened, there could be a chance to reduce the swelling and possibly some of the damage, if we flew her to Children's Hopsital in Denver for an experimental procedure called "Head Cooling". The way they explained head cooling to us was by giving the scenario that people tend to die quicker when drowning in warm water than those who end up falling in a frozen lake or something. Lovely example -I know! Anyway, they have invented a machine that cools the brain to reduce swelling and hopefully reduce the damage. As we were mentally getting prepared for our baby to fly to Denver (dont ask me how or when I would have gotten there, as I was still being stitched up after delivery!), they came back in the room to say there'd been a change of plans. Apparently that particular week, the FDA or whoever, had not given approval for this machine to be used. On to Plan B: We will do things the old fashioned way and keep ice on her head with a diaper! (They actually did this one other time at that very hospital and the child survived and is doing well.) What choice did we have?
The rest of the in between parts are still a blur. As the clocked ticked on with no word from the docs, we started to realize things werent looking good. It was sometime in the afternoon the next day, that I'll never forget seeing that group of people coming down the hall to give us "the news". We were told that she had not responded at all to the head cooling and it was obvious that she had no neurological functions and never would. Although there was nothing obvious that could be confirmed, it was determined that at some point in the womb (2-7 days prior to delivery, thanks to an MRI) there was compression on the umbilical cord that cut off blood flow to the brain, just long enough to result in that level of severe brain damage, but not long enough to kill her. She was basically born brain dead.
The following day, we had to do the most unbearable thing a parent should never have to do and remove our baby girl from life support. Arrangements were made with a local photographer through the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization (www.nilmdts.com) and family and friends came to meet Emma and say goodbye. We will cherish those precious 8 hours with her forever and thanks to NILMDTS, we have beautiful photos and a dvd slideshow that helped capture those final moments with her. (The photo attached to this post was taken the night before when we had her baptized in the N.I.C.U.)

Anyway, there you have it. That is the very condensed version of what happened. I'm sure whoever ends up reading this may have more questions and believe me, there's more to tell. This just feels like a good stopping point for now. Thanks for reading and stay tuned...